Dating after a divorce is hard. That’s a fact and there’s no way around it. The key to dating successfully without simultaneously crushing your existence is to simply relax. Yes, that’s the advice: relax. If you get excited about what’s happening or what’s not happening in your new life, you will find yourself spiraling backwards into that pit of loneliness, depression and despair. And let’s remember that you’ve been there, quite recently, and you don’t want to go back. Despite the recent upheaval in your life, you may feel you’re ready to get back out into the dating world. If you really think you’re ready, then let’s talk about how not to mess this up.
The first thing you need to do before tackling this behemoth is to be sure your psyche is ready. Yes, maybe we already covered this, but the idea of being ready to date involves a whole list of things that must be accomplished before the actual dating can begin. Namely, you must do everything in your power to become your best you; you have got to work on your self-esteem. Inevitably, people come away from divorce with some feelings of unworthiness and failure and while they may be justified, these feelings have to be dealt with, never to be revisited. Own up to your mistakes, and then move on with your life. What’s done is done and all you can do is admit your failure to the right people, apologize, and vow to never repeat it. And then you have to do it.
With that out of the way, set out to re-invent yourself. Lose those extra 10 or 20 pounds, buy some new makeup or skin care products and do something with your hair for goodness sakes! Examine your wardrobe and get rid of any dated pieces or things that no longer fit your svelte self, replacing them with new things that are appropriate for your body type while remaining fresh and youthful. Ladies, don’t be tempted to buy sexy or revealing pieces as they will only serve to make you look cheap and desperate. Cleavage is okay, but be reasonable. Remember, if you’re not comfortable with your kids seeing you before you head out for a night on the town, your outfit is probably inappropriate.
Now that you’re looking refreshed and have your head solidly on your shoulders, get out and have some fun! Reconnect with old friends and build up your social circle. The best way to meet a guy worthy of a relationship is through other people; the more people you see on a regular basis, the better your chances of meeting Mr. Right. Now let’s back up a bit and say that you should go into the dating process with the understanding that you’re here to have fun. Yes, the ultimate goal of dating is to find a mate, but if you focus your energy too hard on hearing wedding bells, all you’re going to do is drive men away. Ease in slowly and don’t have too high of expectations about where things are leading. You’re not a teenager anymore and it’s not reasonable to expect your new beau to call you 11 times throughout the day. Remember, you want to be dating decent men with jobs, homes, and a firm grasp on reality and their responsibilities, so don’t expect childish dating behavior and absolutely do not stare at the phone willing it to ring. It never works. When your man does call and you see each other, avoid serious topics for the first few dates and for the love of all that is holy, don’t talk about your ex! Save that for later and you won’t sound like you’re still hurting. If you are still hurting, go back to the section on bettering your mental health and start the process over again.
To recap: dating is hard, but it can be rewarding if you enjoy your time for what it is and don’t worry about what it’s not. It’s a date or a dating relationship and it’s fun and it feels good. But have reasonable expectations and don’t get depressed when things don’t work out. At least you have a memory of this new chapter in your life instead of sitting at home on a Saturday night cleaning the macaroni out of the recycling bin, courtesy of your two year old.
