Communication is the key to a successful marriage. We hear it so often it’s become a cliché. But it’s often easier said (no pun intended) than done, because it doesn’t always come easily. It’s strange really. After all, most marry because they feel a connection and camaraderie as well as love. This should be the person with whom it’s most natural to talk to.
In the midst of daily to lists, work requirements and other personal commitments, marriage can often take a back seat. Before you know it, a week has gone by and all you’ve discussed is grocery lists, bank accounts and calendars. If you really let it slide, a month passes, and talking to one another almost feels awkward, unnatural
Make the Time to Talk
Making time for one another needs to be scheduled or at least part of your routine.
Some couples achieve this daily. They taking walks before or after dinner, wake up early for breakfast together or my personal favorite, enjoying a cocktail together at the end of the day. (Note for husbands: sex does not really count as communicating. However, it is known to be powerful foreplay for wives and always a nice post-coital wind down.)
Date night, another one of those clichés, really does work. First of all just calling it date night harkens back to those courtship days when you never ran out of things to talk about. It helps to relax together at least once a week. What you do with that time is up to you. Dinner is always a fan favorite. Again, those cocktails can be inspirational.
What to Say: Rules of Engagement
To begin with, communicating requires one “talker” and one listener. If you’re like most couples, one is more of a “talker” than the other. Try to make it equitable. Remember, the point is to have a dialogue, not to give a dissertation. (Pitfall: Guys don’t feel like you have to fix it. When your wife unloads a problem or dilemma, sometimes she just wants to be heard.)
Some couples take certain topics off the table, kids, money, and old grievances. While others find this the perfect time to discuss topics without interruption or distraction.
(Personal Note: When my husband and I started going out regularly — we were loathe to call it date night — I wouldn’t let us talk in the car on the way to the restaurant. I was afraid we would run out of things to say. I didn’t want to be one of those married couples that had nothing to talk about. Now, I’m okay with us talking on the way to date night — which we now call it for convenience sake. With practice I now feel confident there will always be something left to say.)
What to Avoid:
We need to talk: is a statement that strikes fear in hearts of many. But it doesn’t have to connote bad news or revelations of monumental problems. Instead, frame it, as we need to talk to stay in tune with another, on the same page and moving in the same direction.
Don’t let date-night turn into double-date night with other couples. Or if you’re more into the daily rituals, don’t let kids, friends or family crowd your time. Make it sacred. It’s about the two of you.
Mix it up. If you always go to dinner, try breaking up the workday and have lunch together. On a beautiful summer day go for a walk on a new trail. Perhaps this is the time to try something new together, dancing, kayaking or wine tasting.
Communication shouldn’t be a chore. Work together to come up with a game plan that is fun and comfortable for you both.
